“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
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I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
The game has officially changed 😎
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell