When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

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Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.


Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.


I can’t believe I used to talk to people.


I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid


You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.


What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.


My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.


Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.


I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.