Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space