When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
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Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
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I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.