dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
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Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
smh
How to woo a woman
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.