Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
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[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend