Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

Intelligence is the new cleavage

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

Midwest trash talk

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”