Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
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Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
A choir of Spring onions
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So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.