Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Ain’t no way
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance