God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
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[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Cannot stop laughing at this
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in