Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
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Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
The point of your 20s