“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
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Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo