Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
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narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place