*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
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doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.