if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
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Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
😂💯
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
thinking about a very short hotdog
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.