Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥