Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
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Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Very good news from my accountant
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.