I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
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Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30