Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
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Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.