As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
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ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”