[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
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me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Would you wear it?
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
How dramatic are you?
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent