I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
You Might Also Like
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Real 😅
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*