I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
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*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.