@brianbowman73

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

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@henriabuya

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

@ShesARealGenius

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

@juicymorsel

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

@AnniemuMary

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

@clindsaysway

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

@TEXASVETERAN

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

@FatherWithTwins

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

@riot4rach

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

@slimmy_shady

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.