I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

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Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..


I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.


I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.


When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.


When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.


I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe


Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.


Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on


They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.