I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
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Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast