“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
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Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I am HOWLING at this
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream