Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
You Might Also Like
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
ready to be harvested
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.