Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
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Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.