ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
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[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.