do horses think humans are hats
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OH. COME. ON.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Saw your ex at the shops
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.