ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
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Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options