What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
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One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
You better watch out
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles