It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
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If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.