[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
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today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Autocarrot sucks!
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause