I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
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My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit