You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
You Might Also Like
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.