If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
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Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower