If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
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Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds