Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
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Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
🙀🙀🙀😹
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
not seeing the problem
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore