Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
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ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
fair
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.