me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
You Might Also Like
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off