maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
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Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
The morning after pill, but for tweets
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house