I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
You Might Also Like
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
WHY?!
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman