I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
You Might Also Like
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.