Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
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Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Every time.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.