I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
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After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
m’lady
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it