When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
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Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
this post was so formative to me
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
🤣🤣
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Very good news from my accountant
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.