In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
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My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses