[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
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Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS