Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
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Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again