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I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
*updates tinder bio*
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Good dog. ❤️
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.