I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
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-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth