@NatBaimel

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

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@LorieGZ

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

@JenAshleyWright

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

@Curly_gurl135

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

@13spencer

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

@DCpierson

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

@SimplySnaccbar

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

@mrjohndarby

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

@GrillinChillin9

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?