I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
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Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.