Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
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I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.