Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
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*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Lucky for them, they’re cute
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
me
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Girl, same.