Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
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Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
This kid will have a bright future.
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“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.