Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
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3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
TEETH IS INNOCENT
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”